The 2012 GOP Candidates As My Little Ponies

It’s clear at this point that liberals and conservatives alike are pretty unenthusiastic about the upcoming 2012 elections.  Obama’s botched a number of his campaign promises while becoming increasingly aggressive abroad; the GOP has yet to find a candidate who has the conservative credentials woo the party’s base while promoting a social and economic agenda that appeals to moderates.  As the Republican field narrows, I can’t help but wonder how the race would change if these men were gentler, more sympathetic – if they had the power to unify our nation and sooth its wounds, as if by magic.  In other words… what if the Republican candidates were magical ponies???

RON PAUL is a libertarian idealist with a radical small-government agenda that appeals to economic conservatives and disenfranchised progressives alike, but his history with racist fringe groups and his rejection of American imperialism make him unappealing in equal measure.  But what if…

RON PAUL WAS A PONY???

RICK SANTORUM is a devout Catholic whose principles appeal to evangelical voters, but these same ideals limit his appeal to moderates, and also when you Google his name Google tells you about butt stuff.  But what if…

RICK SANTORUM WAS A PONY???

NEWT GINGRICH is just a repulsive fucking human being in every possible way.   But what if…

NEWT WAS A PONY?

MITT ROMNEY seems the most likely nominee at this point, but his stiff demeanor and obscene wealth make everyone a little queasy.  But what if, instead of a late 90s motion-capture CGI character from the horrific depths of the uncanny valley…

MITT ROMNEY WAS A MOTHERFUCKING PONY???

Troubling questions for a troubled age.

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